Kids Say the Darndest Things

Art Linkletter’s name is as well known as ice cream and sliced bread. He was born on July 17, 1912 and died on May 26, 2010. He was a radio and TV very successful entertainer, especially as a humorist. His classic show, “Kids Say the Darndest Things” became an international hit from 1957 on. Obviously, he latched onto the idea that kids really are funny. Laugh now at your own telltale risk.

Little Sally was only five years old and going to kindergarten for the first time. Her family and particularly her Mother, referred to her constantly as darling, sweetie, honey, my baby, sweetheart, little one, baby, baby doll, sweetie pie, sugar plum plus several other nicknames.

The school bus arrived and her Momma escorted her daughter to the bus. All the while referring to her by one or more of the suggested names. The bus stopped and the door opened and Mother said, “Be good sweetie pie. I love you.”

Mother became a nervous wreck. Finally, the bus was there. Momma hugged her daughter and anxiously said, “Quick honey bun, what did you learn today?” The answer was memorable, “Momma, I learned my name is SALLY.”

It was time for the Church’s children Christmas program. All the kids had recitations. Johnny’s Mother was on the front row. Johnny’s part was simple, a word about Jesus. “I am the light of the world.” But he forgot them and started stuttering. Momma has to help him and whispered the words, “I am the light of the world.” Loudly Johnny responded, “My Mother is the light of the world.”

A group of first graders were learning about the location of various parts of their anatomy. They would respond for every item the teacher called out. “Where’s your nose?” The kids would point and say here. Then came mouth, ear, arms, stomach, hair, legs, etc.

Finally, she asked “heart.” All but one little girl touched their chest and yelled here. Little Susie patted her right butt and yelled’ “here.” “Why?” Asked the teacher. “Well, my Momma pats me on my butt and always says, “Bless your little heart.”

The Sunday School teacher asked her class, “Where does God live?” There was a long list of answers. But Mikey gave an answer that got the teacher’s attention. Mikey said, “Inside our bathroom.” “Why do you say that?”she asked. Mikey again, “Well, every morning my Dad stands outside the door and says, “Good God, are you still in there?”

One of my favorite stories is about creation. Ten year old Annie came home from Sunday School and her Mother asked her what she had learned. She replied, “I learned how God made man.” “How was that,” her mother asked. “He got a pile of dirt, sprinkled water on it and molded a man person.” The Mom was thrilled at her response. But Annie wasn’t through. “But, Mom, I learned something even better.” “What was that,” Mom asked. “Well after creating a man, God put him back to sleep, took all his brains out and made a woman.”

Billie came home from school and immediately went to his room. When his Mother came in, she asked him what he was drawing. His answer was startling. “I’m drawing a picture of God.” Mom responds, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Billie’s said, “They will know when I get through.”

This narrative really shook my laugh meter. A man called his 18 year old daughter and gave her a check for his ex-wife. “Tell her it’s my last one and watch the expression on her face.” It was a child support payment.

When she came back he was curious. His daughter said, “Mother said to tell you that you are not my father, and to notice the expression on your face.”

Blondes are always good for a bit of humor. Two of them were sitting on a bench one evening looking up into the sky counting the stars and looking at the moon. Annie said to Sally, “Look at the moon. It’s so beautiful. I wonder which is the farthest away, the moon or Florida?” “Helloooo, Annie, you can see the moon.” If you don’t get it, I’ll give the kicker, “But you can’t see Florida.”

Anyone that has been on an airplane and looking for a meal, will appreciate this humor. The steward asks a passenger if he would like lunch. His response was, “What are my choices?” Her answer was classic humor, “Yes or no.”

A Russian bragged that they were first in space. An American bragged they were the first on the moon. A blonde bragged that blondes were going to be the first on the sun. Both men shook their heads, “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot, you’ll burn up.” To which the blonde responded, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night.”

Have you heard about the three students that had a word association test on a psychology test? They were given these words and were supposed to give the opposite word. The first student was given the word “sadness.” His answer was “happiness.” The second student was given “depression.” His answer was “joy.” The third student is a blonde. She is given the word “woe.” She thinks about it and says “giddy-up.”

Amen. Selah. So be it.